Page 3: The Cold Science of Convenience
7. Self-Domestication: Cats Are the Ultimate Squatters
Unlike dogs, who were bred to work, cats “invited themselves” into human society. They realized humans were easy targets for food and warmth. They didn’t “earn” their place in our homes through service; they exploited our settlements for their own benefit. They aren’t our companions; they are the most successful squatters in the history of the animal kingdom.
8. The Heart Rate Scandal: You Are Just a Delivery Person
When you pet your dog, their oxytocin levels rise. When you pet your cat? Studies suggest it can actually increase their stress levels. Many cats only tolerate your touch because they know it’s the price of a meal. To them, your affection is a chore they have to endure for the sake of their stomach. Join our Facebook community and tell us if your cat is a “stress-petter”!
9. Emotional Mirroring: They Are Just Stressed by Your Sadness
When you cry and your pet “comforts” you, they aren’t feeling your pain. They are reacting to a change in the environment that makes them feel unsafe. Your sadness is an “instability” in their resource supply. They aren’t checking on you because they love you; they are checking to see if their “leader” is still capable of providing food and protection.
10. The Intelligence Hoax: Obedience vs. Self-Interest
Dogs follow orders like slaves; cats refuse to work. Both are simply operating on cold, hard self-interest. We have projected human morality onto animals that are purely driven by food and survival. Your dog isn’t “good”—he’s just afraid of being hungry. Your cat isn’t “independent”—she just knows you’ll feed her regardless of her attitude.
The Final Verdict: Can You Handle the Truth?
We love our pets because we *need* to be loved, not because they are capable of giving it in the way we imagine. We are living in a giant, fuzzy delusion—and that’s okay. But next time you spend a fortune on a new toy, just remember: your pet is probably just wondering how much longer it’ll be until dinner.
Think your pet is the exception? Prove us wrong in the comments! Share this with every “Pet Parent” you know and let the war begin!